my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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