i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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