Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
