I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
