I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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