Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
