Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
