He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
