I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
