I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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