It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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