I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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