I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
