My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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