I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dignity is for republicans.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Two words: blizzard sex
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
