I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
