So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
