I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
