So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
