im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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