Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
