just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My vagina is officially offended.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
