checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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