im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
operation harelip BJ is a go
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
