i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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