I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
