Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
