someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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