why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
farters have to be the big spoon...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
