Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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