real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
