update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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