its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
