mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
