yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
