well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
