I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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