So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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