and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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