I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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