During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
