I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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