Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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