In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
