no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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