he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
