even my farts smell like vagina
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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