I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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