At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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