sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
