I am midnight drunk by noon
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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