the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
