Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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