If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
