I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
