Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
