Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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